This time of year gathering with family takes center stage as the focus of holiday plans. Some families have become experts at sweeping all the familial issues under the rug for a few days in order to enjoy the season. For others, family get-togethers become intense reminders of ongoing issues and unforgiveness. Medical studies show that unforgiveness can cause physical and mental problems for people. Higher heart rates and blood pressure, stress on the nervous system, and depression are just a few of the symptoms medical experts have associated with holding grudges. Biblically, there is also much said about forgiveness. Mark 11:25, Luke 17:4, and Matthew 16:14 are just a few of the many verses that command followers of Christ to be forgiving people. If forgiving is good for you and commanded in scripture, then why do so many people struggle with extending forgiveness? I believe that two of the reasons people struggle with forgiving are a misunderstanding of forgiveness and a wrong view of self.

People often confuse forgiveness with reconciliation and think that if the offending party isn’t asking for forgiveness or showing a repentant heart, they shouldn’t or can’t forgive. This simply isn’t the case. In fact, Jesus says, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.”(Luke 23:34) Below you will see some differences between forgiveness and reconciliation that can help place forgiveness in its correct context.

   FORGIVENESS                                                                   RECONCILIATION
can take place with only one person                             requires at least two persons
is directed one-way                                                       is reciprocal...occurring two-ways
is a decision to release the offender                              is the effort to rejoin the offender
involves a change in thinking about the offender         involves a change in behavior by the offender
is a free gift to the one who has broken trust                restored relationship based on restored trust
is extended even if it is never, ever earned                   extended because it has been earned
is unconditional, regardless of a lack of repentance     is conditional based on repentance

A second reason people withhold forgiveness is a wrong view of self. People often don’t extend forgiveness because they see themselves as superior to the person they are tasked with forgiving. Jesus masterfully addresses this in His parable found in Matthew 18:21-35. He tells this parable in response to Peter’s question about how many times we are to forgive others. It begins with Peter’s wrong focus on whether this other person deserves forgiveness, and it ends with a right focus on forgiving others because we need so much more forgiveness from God. The parable forces individuals to see that they are more like the offender than previously thought. Finally, Jesus’ serve as a reminder of their own need for forgiveness from others, and more importantly from God.

As mentors, helping your mentees understand and extend true forgiveness may be one of the most important things you do. That’s often easier said than done, as couples in crisis are usually experts in holding grudges. Help them first understand what true forgiveness is, and then guide them to a correct view of self grounded in scripture. If they can recognize how much they too need forgiveness, then they will be able to forgive others out of a heart of true humility.