Last week we discussed how couples can slowly allow their commitment to the marriage relationship to drift away. This week we’ll look at a few ways you can help your mentee couple begin to strengthen their commitment to the marriage. Psychologist Caryl Rusbult developed a theoretical model of commitment that we believe can help by providing direction as you guide your mentee couple back to a deep commitment in their marriage. Her model is as follows*:

Commitment = Marital Satisfaction - Satisfaction with Alternatives to the Marriage + Shared Investments in the Marriage.

Seems fairly intuitive don’t you think? Let’ take a look at the three components of this model and how we as mentors can help our mentees become more committed to their marriage.

Marital Satisfaction:
The idea behind this component is that anything that promotes satisfaction in the marriage will strengthen commitment to the relationship. Spouses who believe their needs are being met and they are being valued will tend to be more committed to the relationship. This is why we begin the mentoring process with the Uniquely United Assessment. We want to immediately teach couples how to value their spouse’s differences as strengths, as opposed to judging them as a weakness. When they do something positive, make a big deal of the good decisions they have made. For example, celebrate it when your mentee couple consistently extends blessings to one another. Recognition of those blessings will help them see value in one another, which will strengthen their commitment to the marriage.

Eliminating Unhealthy Alternatives:
Eliminating unhealthy alternatives such as strong emotional ties to another person other than your spouse creates commitment. However, not all unhealthy alternatives are as obvious as this. Even positive activities like hobbies, work, or time with friends can all become barriers to establishing commitment. Challenge your mentee couple to recognize things that could possible be competing with their ability to establish stronger commitment to the marriage.

Shared Investments:
Intentionally focusing on areas in which both spouses place high value goes a long way to establishing commitment. Mainly because people invest most in things they are passionate about. When both spouses share those investments, commitment comes fairly easy. So, whether it is working on the house, playing golf or tennis, travel, or even building a fence together, the emotional bonds developed during these times help greatly in developing commitment.

As you can see, strengthened commitment develops from increased satisfaction in marriage. Increasing satisfaction in marriage is often as simple as recognizing and highlighting those areas that currently bring satisfaction so that they become the focus of the relationship. As you heard during your mentor training, “catch your mentees doing something good.”

*Caryl Rusbult, “Commitment and Satisfaction in Romantic Associations: A Test of the Investment Model,” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 16 (1981): 172-80.