The staff at Marriage Mentors holds firmly to the conviction that all of our relationships are a by-product of our relationship with God. Your relationship with God and your relationship with others will always be interconnected. We can’t love others properly without an intimate relationship with God, and we can’t be intimately connected with God if we’re not willing to live out His will in our relationships with others. Why the connection? Our ability to love is impacted by the condition of our heart. The Bible says a lot about the heart. It is deceitful and sick (Jeremiah 17:1), everything we do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23), it follows our treasures (Matthew 6:21), it influences our speech (Luke 6:45), and it can become hardened (Exodus 7,8 Matthew 19:8). Therefore, because the condition of our heart impacts our ability to have true intimacy with others, we become dependent on God’s ability to soften our hearts with His love.

Simply put: Our intimacy with God prepares us and enables us to have true intimacy with others.

An interesting paradox exists when looking at intimacy in marriage. Many couples desire more intimacy with their spouse, but at the same time they are unwilling to do the very thing needed to acquire that intimacy - open their heart. Many individuals today are living in relationships with closed hearts. Maybe because they have been hurt by someone growing up, or possibly by their spouse at some point in their marriage. In either case, they have put up a wall around their heart for self-protection and may not know how to remove it. 1 Peter 1:22 admonishes us to “love one another deeply, from the heart.” We believe the natural desire of every husband and wife is to both love and be loved by each other. And like the previous verse states, we also believe it should come from the heart. In order to do this we first need to receive love from God. The Bible tells us that “love comes from God” and that “God is love” (1 John 4:7-8). So then, the first step in the journey to greater intimacy in marriage is to grow in intimacy with God. That means we have to spend uninterrupted time with God, allowing Him to search our hearts as we communicate transparently with Him. It is also imperative that we receive His love in order to extend love to our spouse. Psalm 37:4 states, “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

As you talk with your mentee couple about their intimacy with each other, remember to look for indications of the condition of their heart. Do they seem to have an open or closed heart? Have they closed their heart due to past or current hurts in the relationship? One of the goals of the first two sessions of the mentoring process is to encourage each spouse to open their hearts as they begin to value their unique differences. Likewise, don’t hesitate to ask your mentees what they perceive the condition of their heart to be as you go through the process, while continuing to point them back to the only One who truly knows their heart. Guide your couple to delight in the Lord and watch Him open their hearts like only He can.